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  • Writer's pictureJeff Bacon

The Rancher

The plague had forced a famine in the area. Supply shipments were scarce, and people were desperate. Three men ventured out to the country to find food. Most of the farms were desolate, except for one. The ranch had plenty of cows in the corrals, running water, and an immense garden protected by a chain-link fence.

They hid as they studied the farmstead. They only saw a single rancher and his wife. They discussed a plan amongst themselves and decided they would take the farm and kill the rancher and his wife. When night had fallen, they made their way to the farmhouse. They could smell the aroma of grilled meat in the air with a hint of charcoal. They crept to the back of the house, where they found the rancher cooking steaks.

“Come on up, boys. The grub is almost ready.” The rancher yelled.

The men straightened up and walked towards the rancher. He turned and smiled. “I saw you three in the bushes this afternoon. There is no need to steal, I have plenty for all visitors.”

Hospitality was rare in these days. It threw the men off, but the smell of the meat entranced them. They almost forgot about their diabolical plans. The picnic table had place settings for five, and there was a bottle of whiskey sitting in the middle. Whiskey was something they hadn’t even seen in years. The three men sat down at the table.

“Go ahead. Pour yourselves a drink.” The rancher turned towards the farmhouse. “Maylene, they’re here. How are the veggies coming?”

Maylene walked out of the door holding a pan brimming with potatoes, corn, and carrots.

“They are done just right hun.” Her southern accent and kind eyes calmed the three men as they sipped on whiskey.

The rancher walked over to the table and laid a steak on each plate. “No need for grace, boys. You look hungry, dig in.”

The men piled vegetables on their plates and did as they were told. They barely spoke a word as they gobbled the food down. When they finished, the rancher poured a drink for each of the men.

“You know, it’s getting late, boys. How would you like to sleep in the barn tonight?”

One man stood and immediately fell to the ground. The other two men laughed as they also slid off their chairs onto the ground.

The rooster crowed as the sun broke over the horizon. The men woke up in the barn, each in their own stable. They were naked and tied to the wall. One man looked over at the others and gasped. He felt his own head and noticed he had small stubby horns and floppy cow ears. He looked down to notice he was missing his balls. The rancher had castrated him.

The barn doors slid open, and the rancher walked in. “Hope you boys slept well last night.”

One man tried to speak, but he could only moo.

The rancher laughed. “I know it’s a little weird. It takes a day or two for the transformation. You boys will make great steers.”

Maylene walked into the barn with a bucket of corn. They forced each one of the men on all fours and fed them the corn. Their feet became hooves and tails popped out of their asses.

Maylene cackled. “Tomorrow, the others will teach you how to graze.”

The rancher slapped Maylene’s butt. “We caught three good ones, hun. Time for breakfast.”

The three men mooed as the rancher and his wife left the barn. Left with the reality that they would end up on the rancher’s grill.

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